We Live In The Now.

I have never had a conversation with my son. He will be 5 in February.
 
I get joy out of the few words he gives me. I get joy out of his stimming. When he flaps his hands and smiles, I know that he is happy.
 
He has never told me he is happy.
 
He has never told me he had fun at school. He has never told me about his day at all for that matter, let alone that it was fun.
 
I feel so connected to him that sometimes I forget he doesn’t speak.
 
He is a great parrot. He can say what he knows he is supposed to say. He has adapted to “fitting in”.
 
To masking.
 
To following society’s rules to make us happy.
 
So much so that you can’t see his struggles. So much so that when you see his picture and his smile that you have no clue how hard he is trying.
 
He gives his all to us every day.
 
When he has a hard day, when he cries, when he screams, when it is all too much, I put him first. I know it hurts him more. It hurts him to not be understood.
 
I will forever put myself in his shoes.
 
I will forever see his side.
 
I do not feel bad if I cannot attend an event or a party.
 
Why?
 
Because that is no longer my reality, that is no longer my world.
 
My world is with my son, my family, and the ones who want to join this world are welcome.
 
I am not missing out when the stimulation is too much for Liam to handle. When we have to leave a party early. When sometimes we don’t even make it to the event. When his autism says “not today”.
 
I am grateful to have this new reality.
 
I would choose this journey of self-discovery over any drink with a friend, over any party, over any social gathering for that matter.
 
This is where I belong.
 
Liam speaks to me every day.
 
If you listen hard enough, you might just hear his words too.
 
Liam lives in the now. He does not live for tomorrow or dwell on yesterday. He simply lives in the present moment and all it has to offer.
 
I choose to live in the now by his side.
 
I do not think, what if. There is no what if. There never was.
 
Liam is exactly who he is supposed to be and I am exactly where I have always been destined to be.
 
I would take this now over any what if.

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